Remember that person that you use to like. I’m talking about like like. The jerk that you think is amazing but also an asshole. In front of him I word vomit. I ramble and make really bad jokes. I can’t stop fidgeting around them because I’m so nervous. You avoid constant eye contact because you’re afraid of what you may say when you stare into them. I become that little girl again, that one that use to trip over her lit sketchers in the halls of her elementary school. You become that little girl that can’t help but to get red in the face when she gets caught staring at the boy she thinks is amazing. You can’t stop randomly mentioning that person’s name in everyday conversations even when they have no relevance in the discussion.
I am gonna be a little too honest right now. I never thought that could be too much of a bad thing— being honest that is. In today’s society it is a bit abnormal. You haven’t know me long enough to realize that I tend to fight abnormality.
I’m trying to prepare you for this upcoming “embarrassment” that I’ve openly decided to share with the public. I haven’t dated anyone. I’m twenty years old. I’m a sophomore in college. I have my own apartment. Society tells me that I should feel this sense of humiliation, because I’m at this stage of my life and I still haven’t been in a relationship. I like to to think that I have my shit together, but when it comes to a boy I become that girl people mock with their friends.
It’s hard for you to eat. It’s hard for you to focus. It’s hard for you not to retrace every thing you’ve said and have done with that person, because those moments were the times that you never wanted to end. Those were the times that you never wanted your warm feet to hit the cold floor.
It was refreshing. Just remember what it was like when you heard your first Jack Johnson song. That’s what it was like. Imagine sliding down a slip n slide at the age of 20. Your expression is one I don’t recognize. You all are trying to remember what that kind of happiness feels like again. It should be a feeling that we never forget to feel. But, that happens. We forget. And if you find that one person again that makes you remember that feeling, you aren’t prepared for what is to come. That person was one in a million. You were willing to make it work. You were vulnerable. You had your feelings so vocalized the whole world heard and whispered about them. You question what the both of you were. You go to sleep wondering if the other person is thinking about you. You want to know if you ever meant anything. You want to know everything. Your mind gets the best of you. But, then you come to a point when you realize what you deserve. You deserve better. You deserve to know what this is. You should know how much you matter. You are waiting around for a snapchat from that one name you desperately want to see pop up. You try to avoid watching their snapchat stories because you can’t seem like you care too much. Why is that so scary for someone to accept? Someone cares for you. Someone likes you. But, you are too immature to use your words and say what you feel because… I don’t know why you do what you do, but you are driving her insane. Say what you think, say what you feel before there is no more air in this world to breathe. We are all done waiting.
Liking an individual is probably the worst and best thing in the world— specially in college.
But, then again what do I know?